Consumerism…

21 04 2008

Consumerism

So today Matron thought I should learn more about the lifestyle that I’ll have to adopt once I’m deemed ready enough to brave the outside world.  Matron explained that it’s appropriate to supplement my daily diet of multi-coloured splendid pills with as much highly calorific confectionery as I can get into my body in 17 hours.  She went on to explain that it may be necessary to liquidize said highly calorific confectionery to optimise the restrictions brought about by orifice circumference shortcomings.

That sounded like a challenge to me.  I don’t need to stinking liquidize anything!  I’m proud of my highly developed and delicately honed massive chew sets technique.  The only liquid that’ll pass by my resplendent lips will be weak lemon drink and paint… and none of that cheap rubbish neither.  Nosiree.  Only the very finest crusty and lurid lead varieties thank you very much. 

*hurrumph*

I digress.

So anyway, 17 hours of sickly chocolate ingestion later, Matron says I’ve shown some real promise.  I’ve managed to retain 16 kilos of weight, and if I can keep this rate of weight gain up, I’ll soon be bedridden and unable to escape her clutches.  Apparently that’s really good.

Woot!

Can’t wait for tomorrow.  Matron says I can up my ingestion to 17 hours and 3 minutes.  By my reckoning, that’s another 14 Mars bars.

Double Woot!

 

(and splendid)

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