Moving slowly…

14 05 2008

Moving slowly

Hmmm…

Well…

You see…

Things are moving altogether a lot more slowly since I suspended my highly calorific confectionery consumption.  You could even be so bold as to say that things have stopped entirely.  I don’t want to be caught out though – it’s best to remain at action stations just in case the torrent suddenly returns.  Wouldn’t want to be in the fish hook storage room when the bottom contractions begin.  Nosiree.  I’d surely catch a Mustad Model 91715D O’Shaughnessy Jig Hook in my elbow in the rush to the nearest toilet.  No.  It’s best that I remain sat here.

It’s been ten days though.  There’s not a peep of a poo and I’ve lost most of the weight I gained.  Matron won’t be happy.

I’m going to need to find some way to make it up to her.  I just don’t think I’m meant to make it as a feeder’s passion object.

*sigh*

 

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Side effects…

4 05 2008

Lust

The highly calorific confectionery consumption has to stop.  Today I’ve gained 5 stone and 7 pounds and I’m beginning to find it difficult to deal with the quantity of what I don’t digest.  Initially it was fine, I just sat on the toilet, and so long as I flushed every 54 seconds, the waste wasn’t a problem.  But it’s not easy.  I have to carefully juggle intake vs. disposal. 

So as the highy calorific confectionery stocks started to deplete, I found I needed to run further and further to the back of the warehouse… with obvious ramifications…

First it was 53 seconds…

Then it was 52 seconds a bit later…

Then there was that crazy jump where it went down to 37 seconds…

Now it’s at 13 seconds and frankly the whole system has collapsed.

Matron won’t be happy.

I hope she doesn’t do that thing… again.

*sobs*





Mass consumerism…

2 05 2008

Mass consumerism

The chocolate ingestion is going swimmingly.  Who would have thought that 17 hours of non-stop highly calorific confectionery consumption could be so slippery.  I think every square millimeter of internal surface area is now a slick chocolately expressway.  I need only place a mars bar near to my lips and it slivers its way through at quite a pace.  In fact, in the name of science I thought it would be useful to time how quickly I can process a highly calorific confectionery item… 

So I attached a peice of string to a curly wurly (they have useful holes to tie string to) and set it on it’s merry way.  I love doing science.  Makes me feel all clever.

13.8 seconds later my curly wurly was out.  Well… at least… part of it was.  I’d clearly digested the bejeebus out of it.  Woot!.

Now this gave me an idea.  What if I was to tie the string ends together in a big loop and then use it to accelerate highly calorific confectionery through my body?  This would surely increase the weight gain process that Matron wants me to achieve?  I just had to give it a shot – you just don’t pass up ideas this good.

So I entangled 34 curly wurlys to the string and wrapped the other end of the string around a masonry drill. 

0.3 of a second after I depressed the drill’s trigger, 32 of the curly wurlys had made it through, partially digested.  Impressive, but sadly this is when I realised that my science experiment could have benefited from a little more design.  The 33rd curly wurly was in fact my tongue. 

*sigh*

Thankfully not that digested and suitable for  a quick spot of re-attachment.  Need to hold-fire on the highly calorific confectionery consumption whilst I await the glue to set.

Splendid.