Moving slowly…

14 05 2008

Moving slowly

Hmmm…

Well…

You see…

Things are moving altogether a lot more slowly since I suspended my highly calorific confectionery consumption.  You could even be so bold as to say that things have stopped entirely.  I don’t want to be caught out though – it’s best to remain at action stations just in case the torrent suddenly returns.  Wouldn’t want to be in the fish hook storage room when the bottom contractions begin.  Nosiree.  I’d surely catch a Mustad Model 91715D O’Shaughnessy Jig Hook in my elbow in the rush to the nearest toilet.  No.  It’s best that I remain sat here.

It’s been ten days though.  There’s not a peep of a poo and I’ve lost most of the weight I gained.  Matron won’t be happy.

I’m going to need to find some way to make it up to her.  I just don’t think I’m meant to make it as a feeder’s passion object.

*sigh*

 

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Side effects…

4 05 2008

Lust

The highly calorific confectionery consumption has to stop.  Today I’ve gained 5 stone and 7 pounds and I’m beginning to find it difficult to deal with the quantity of what I don’t digest.  Initially it was fine, I just sat on the toilet, and so long as I flushed every 54 seconds, the waste wasn’t a problem.  But it’s not easy.  I have to carefully juggle intake vs. disposal. 

So as the highy calorific confectionery stocks started to deplete, I found I needed to run further and further to the back of the warehouse… with obvious ramifications…

First it was 53 seconds…

Then it was 52 seconds a bit later…

Then there was that crazy jump where it went down to 37 seconds…

Now it’s at 13 seconds and frankly the whole system has collapsed.

Matron won’t be happy.

I hope she doesn’t do that thing… again.

*sobs*





The new prototypes have arrived…

8 04 2008

This one tastes of wishes

 Matron’s just let me try one of the new prototypes.

*simper*

The specification is truly splendid. They’re meant to keep my knees from shrinking, keep my ear wax production in check and (this is the bit I’m most excited about) prolong that feeling you get after taking one of the pink and yellow pills. I can hardly wait.

*dribble*

*looks at dosage advice on the side of the crate*

“Adults should take 37, every hour. To be taken with weak lemon drink. Failure to drink weak lemon drink may result in elbow itching. Do not eat. May contain nuts.”

Nothing out of the ordinary then.

Splendid.